Hi folks…. I’ve been thinking about the blog almost every day since my old one was nuked at Blogger and haven’t resolved the main issue of how to proceed, to be honest.
I’m very sorry that the story of ‘Matty’ has been silenced this way, but I also don’t want to proceed in the wrong way, giving short shrift to each remembrance, simply to satisfy a censor somewhere, whether that happens to be someone that stops by and feels an evangelistic need to classify my life as evil and report the blog as abusive, or a mindless overseer who never takes the time to actually read my writing in its entirety before pushing that digital button and decimating my efforts out here.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me– It was a LOT of hard work, putting the remembrances to print and for once in my life, I thought it was safe for the unvarnished stories to be exposed… My hope was that the precious kids in my life and the people who gain something by reading my story would understand that even though I lived a secret life, there is no longer a need to do that… That time and knowledge has changed all of that.
That even gay people are human and love, like other people…
I thought I was resolving all those issues in my head in the past few years, and even a week ago, felt more certain on how to proceed, when a strange thing happened…
I was driving ‘north’ to bring my Godson home for a necessary surgery to repair a torn ACL in his right knee… I took the day off from work and left that Friday morning feeling… uh… jubilant, I guess. It’s kind of hard to describe… It was an absolutely gorgeous day, especially for the middle of March, here in New England. 60º or so; bright sunshine and wispy, scattered clouds that seemed more like jet contrails than clouds.
I got into the Prius that my Godson’s parents had loaned me for the trip- a cool little car with alien features, including a combination electric/gas driven powerhouse that hums in the battery mode, and made me feel like I was driving a golf cart at times! It was also equipped with a computer screen that 3 years ago, when the car was new, gave it an ultra- modern ambiance… Now, to be honest, it almost seemed a little dated as I found I-91 and headed north, towards the ‘deep woods’ of New England.
It was all good for a while. I hadn’t been on the road for a long time, at least by myself, and the sense of freedom and adventure was invigorating… I know– I should get out more!! lol Well, that may be true, but the past 10 years have kind off handcuffed me with the responsibilities around caring for elderly parents and some unfortunate events in my own life that put more focus on my health than I would have liked.
But, that friday was to be different. I wasn’t going to think about any of that! I was going to enjoy the trip for what it was… Something that used to be commonplace in my life. It felt SO nice.
I left about 1 P.M. and the roads were clear- only light traffic, the worst of which was in the immediate vicinity of the capital city and that was nothing to speak of… Soon, I had reached the widened areas of I-91 and the speed limit increased to 65 mph and I was sailing along, mostly in the left lane, reveling in the tight steering and comfortable seat that felt so different from the lumbering work truck that I am accustomed to driving. I think I was smiling. It felt like that. I played with the cruise control and managed to set it at 73 mph, which seemed to be slightly above he average speed but about 10 mph below the whirlwind speeds of the aggressive few out there on that beautiful day.
I think I reached the border of Vermont in only 1 3/4 hours or so, and exited onto a mid- sized route that would take me to my final destination as it wandered through farmland and backwoods and little enclaves that haven’t changed much in the past 80 years.
The road glistened with little embedded mica chips and snaked through some of the most beautiful country, and I felt like I was home… I don’t know why, but it struck me that way. I guess I was feeling at peace with myself and a little contemplative and my mind started to wander, much like it has, in the past few years as I recall the little moments in my life that made me who I am today. I drifted back and remembered the construction project that I had completed on my Godson’s house, some 8 years back…. An addition that he had coined ‘a subtraction’, just to annoy me and get the reaction that he came to crave- my upturned eyebrows and the mock attacks punctuated by his fake, ‘little girl’ screams, as I called them, as he rocketed through the hallways of his house with me in hot pursuit… Fast kid… ‘little monkey’ as I called him… Punk… my favorite nickname. I won’t tell you what he called me!! lol NOPE!!
I drove on, remembering and smiling. The ‘boy’ is now 23 years old, and he means more to me than ever… I hope he doesn’t read this… I don’t want him to get a big head. Anyways, I remembered sighing as I do sometimes, and coming out of my trance. Music… That would really top off a beautiful day like this!!
I had noticed a stack of CD’s in a little cubicle built into the dashboard of the car… lol I told you it was getting dated! Anyways, I reached over and probed the area above the CD’s and sure enough, I found the tiny slot where a disc could be inserted and a few controls to boot. One for the volume, and … well, maybe there was only one, now that I think about it! I think the bass was supposed to be controlled in another way, probably through the computer screen, but I never even tried. In my mind, it was enough that I was going to be able to play something and enjoy my memories with some nice music…. At least, that was the hope– You see, I had no idea what was on those CD’s…
I reached down from the player and flipped through the CD collection that amounted to about a dozen or so discs in those crazy clear plastic boxes that I can never open on the 1st attempt. None of them had labels, so I shrugged and just grabbed one from the very middle of the stack, kind of chuckling at the randomness of it all and wondering what on earth I would shortly be listening to… I plugged it in.
There was a pause, and for a minute, I thought, “Oh great, I’m doing something wrong… There’s probably a trick to this, and I’ll figure it out, about the time I reach Middlebury!’ But, after 10 or 15 seconds, the sound of a concert crowd slowly filled the car, building to a crescendo as an artist greeted them and started to sing…Don’ t ask me who it was, because I don’t remember names well… The depth of someone’s eyes or the little way a lip curls when someone smiles or frowns… Yes. That I remember. Names? Not so much.
But, I can tell you that it was a contemporary, country- western type of artist who is well known and pleasant enough, and I enjoyed the music, more or less, as the Prius wound it’s way through the tumbling country and the snow cover increased as I made my way further north…
Then, it happened… About 4 songs into the disc. A song started to play that I hadn’t heard in over 30 years. Thirty years! Wow. Just writing that is a bit unnerving, to be honest. Where does time go?
It was a song from the depths of my childhood… One that I heard for the 1st time when I was 16 years old, and trying to come to grips with the choices that I would soon be forced to make… Would I fulfill a promise I made, standing over the grave of a fallen soldier or push the memory and duty away like so many others, and pursue my selfish interests instead? Would I leave the most important person in my life in the hope that redemption rather than perdition awaited me? Would I ever return if I left in the first place?
The song started to play and my skin started to tingle. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as my mind reeled and the memories flooded back…. And the melodic, haunting voice of Joni Mitchell opened the wounds that I thought were healed, long ago…
Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star
Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like when you’re older must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game *
The tears were falling as I wound my way down the backroads of Vermont and wondered why, of all the possible songs in the world, THAT song should play, from nowhere. One of the rarest of songs in which every word seems to describe me, as I struggled to understand my faith and the reasons for the things that happened in my life, from my lost innocence at age 10 to the present day where I face my own mortality and time has come full circle…
I have to say that it was a pivotal day in my life for many reasons. One of those days I will look back on someday, just to feel His arms around me once again… I know it sounds strange, but it is how I feel. For good or bad, that has been the way my life has been- full of moments of happiness matched by the deepest visions of despair… But, every step foward has taught and reminded me of one critical truth- I am NOT alone, and never have been… Neither are you.
I love you all…. tman<3
link to full song— http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR2vGJSX0xo&feature=related
Wow, Tony, it seems you’re back. I hope that ride, and finding that song from the stack was a healing event. Now we’ll all want to know what happened next to Mattie. I hope you’ll find the strength to continue your remembrances knowing that they have helped inspire and reassure so many of us out here.
Peace ❤
Jay
Hey Tony,
……………. A road trip is, in itself, a life of its own. The mind wanders, and the thoughts of what “was” become the thoughts of “what could have been”. As one who drove for a living for over twenty years, I can attest that these mind games can be tormenting, sometimes.
I believe we ALL have questions that lay in the past. I do. Things like “What if”……… and “If only”……….oh, the perplexity of it all. Even in the mid 80’s, when I was in a “Family Out” status, I would ponder a wonderful evening cut short by feelings of inadequacies, shortcomings and self-doubt; followed by the “what if’s” and “if only’s” scenarios.
In my old age – YES, I ADMIT IT ! “I’M OLD”; hell, it’s official. As of the first of June, I’m officially a “SENIOR CITIZEN”……. the Ultimate “Entitlement Moocher” {Medicare, Social Security and a Navy pension}, a ward of the Corporate State – I have surrendered the past to the present. I rejoice in the sweetness of those long lost precious and intimate moments; for they give me the strength and will to move onward today. Should the opportunity arise, I shall take those past lessons learned and apply them with my heart, WAY more than my head. Jade should always be a piece of jewelry, not an attitude of “what’s the use”.
………. Love, Ray <3……
Hi Ray… yeah, I always looked foward to road trips, partly for that very reason- a little contemplation, as the pavement is ‘eaten’ by the tires and the towns pass by like in a movie…
This trip started like that and was punctuated by that song- it hit me hard… The timing, the words, the randomness that led to it.
But, of course, the thoughts have been there all along, altho I don’t share them with many people in my life. It was as if my thoughts had been tapped into and I was given a chance to grieve… I guess that’s as close as I can come to explaining how I felt…
Congrats, btw, on your elevation to retirement status soon, Ray!! Good for you!! I hope it means that you’ll be free to do the things that lead to the most happiness- maybe reconnect with people and let them get to know the ‘real’ you- a guy’s guy, with a simmering intellect and a great sense of humor!
love, Tony
I’m trying, Jay… Hopefully, I can find the way to get through the rest of the last remembrance w/o getting nuked like at the old blog… I’m not even sure that it would be a great idea to upload the old blog for that reason– it’s kind of confusing… If I don’t, how will people know what the heck I’m talking about, not that that helped me survive on Blogger!!
love, Tony
Hi Tony,
As I read this post I did so with a feeling of sadness. It sems like life travels along at a normal pace until suddenly we seem pass through some kind of veil where we are looking back at our youth. I have had this overwhelming desire to “reexperience” those younger years of my life. Many of my life’s experiences weren’t pleasant to say the least. But, if it were possible to go back I would do it in the blick of an eye. The creation and the writing of my blog have been as close as I could have come to actually reliving those experiences. When I began writing the posts for my blog I felt more comfortable writing the text on Microsoft Word and copying it over to the blog. After seeing what has happened to you I feel fortunate that I have done it that way.
The day I discovered your blog was nuked I was devastated. I aimlessly walked around the house struggling with the sense of loss that I felt. I was literally griefstricken. I didn’t know what to do or think. I decided to post an enquiry on my blog to see if anyone knew what happened to you. Thankfully one of you friends posted an answer that led me to you new blog on wordpress.
I didn’t realize how dependant I had become on the reading your remembrances. I have become so attached to you and your creative energy, your special talent, and of course “Matty”. I felt like you had died and I would never hear from you again or have the special privilege of reading and rereading your stories.
I am still sad at the loss.
I am so thankful that you are back to writing again.
I hope you can restore your blog in it’s entirety some day.
Adon
Hi Adon… I’m so sorry that this sadness has befallen you. What you wrote has touched me deeply– I’m very grateful for your kind words.
You know, the worst thing about all this is the awful feeling that I have because of the callous nature of what was done to the old blog. It’s hard to describe how I felt trying to find my blog that day, only to find out that it had disappeared… It felt like a piece of me was gone. Because it was.
When I first arrived out here, I wrote little snippets… thoughts. More like rants at times. The posts were written to remind people to be kind to each other and respect the things that we all have in common. To tolerate the things that make us different… None of us are perfect, was the theme from the very beginning. But, we are all His children and deserve to be loved, despite the attractions we feel or the other things that make us unique.
I don’t think I ever asked for anything beyond that… I just wanted to be treated as a human being.
What has saddened me, and the reason I grieve, is that the remembrances were treated as something evil- undeserving of understanding… Not ‘acceptable to the community’.
That cuts me to the quick.
I spent 45 years trying to gather the courage to unburden myself of the secret that I desperately hid in order to survive. The boy in the swamp is symbolic of that- he was born of pain and suffering and terror. He was the vessel of faith that allowed me to go on, in the hope that SOMEDAY it would be safe.
He tried time and again, over the years, to leave that dark place, but it was only in these words that he found his voice and begin to love again.
It was the ‘Others’ who tormented him all those years, with their false piety, evil judgements and finally, sneering condescension…
A year ago, they were in retreat, wounded by the sword of truth and fleeing to the darkened caves of obscurity, where they belonged all along. That’s when ‘Matty’s Story’ begin. In my mind it was the birth of a new day. I felt whole for the first time in my life, as I levered the good feelings in my heart and came out to my closest friends… They knew, within a very short time, the real me, and the pieces started to come together.
And then, March madness… Only it’s not just a game. These stories are ME… My life. They are, for good or bad, why and who I am. To have them judged in such a cold and mindless fashion, takes me back to the way things were 45 years ago… This is just not right.
I can’t go back. And, I won’t. I have been silenced far too long. They tried to take my dignity but they have failed.
Someday, THEY will stand before HIM… I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes… love, Tony
Hello Tony
I’ve read this post 3 or 4 times over the past day or so, and I still can’t think of a suitable comment. I’ll just say I’m glad you’re still around, and posting.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
It’s OK, Sammy… I’m trying to turn the page and come to terms with what has happened– It’s been upsetting, but life goes on… I’m not about to let this destroy the good things in my life. I would be a fool if I did… Hang in there. Once I calm down, the remembrances will continue.
Thanks for hanging in there!! love, Tony
Hi Toni,
I am glad you are back. I hope, you will continue your biography.
Greetings Nikki
Thanks, Nikki!! I’m glad you found your way here! Stay tuned!! love, Tony
Tony,
I don’t remember if you ever got the comment I made a while ago where I mentioned that I had created a wordpress version of my blogspot blog using my exported backup (I’m getting old I guess). I did this when I was thinking about switching over to WordPress. Anyway, it’s viewable at http://www.foreversilent.wordpress.com. I may have to switch over to it if I am confronted with what you had happen to you….Adon
Ahh… so, you were able to upload the Blogger blog to WordPress, Adon?? I’ve been wondering, ever since someone said it’s not possible, and haven’t wanted to try, since I was afraid that it might show up somehow and get me nuked at WordPress if I did it wrong. {sigh} I wish I knew more about this kind of stuff, but I kind of have to learn as I go…
Well, thanks for the info anyways! That’s interesting! love, Tony