Dearest Reader,

                For me, this summer has been a journey marked by intense joy and stifling sadness. You may have noticed that my posts are less frequent, and that I have been largely absent from the blogosphere as a commenter, except at a very few blogs.

                   As my original followers know, I arrived in the ether some 30 months ago, after purchasing my very first computer, a Macbook laptop, that was to be my tool to access the brokerages that house my savings and investments. Not too many of you know about that… I have spent the past 15 years, educating myself in the ways of the financial world, so that I would be able to invest intelligently and secure my future and the futures of the people I love the most, and who are my beneficiaries. I don’t have a lot, but what I do have seems to be growing exponentially, so I guess I’m succeeding in that endeavor. That makes me feel better about things in general, altho it is entirely possible I will never personally enjoy the bounty I am creating. It’s OK, tho. The journey has been my reward.

                      I guess I’m telling you this, because it might explain something about me that few people out here seem to understand. Although I might seem disorganized in my writing, I am rarely that way in my head or in my real life. In fact, it is something that people in my real life sometimes find unsettling, to be honest… I have been deemed, in the most hurtful manner, as being analytical, arrogant, and a know- it- all, by one of the persons in my life, I loved the most. Altho I responded to that in my typical, calm manner, our relationship is now severely damaged, and children that are precious to me beyond words, are trapped in the middle. It has made my summer a living hell, to be honest… But, I digress.

                        You see, this is all, more or less, a clumsy attempt to explain something about me that the most important people in my life should already know. 

                        My analytical nature was born of desperation, and a primal need to survive. I have written about that in my remembrances at length. I was born with an insatiable curiosity and a need to be loved, as are most children. But, while many of my peers found those needs satisfied in the most natural ways, I was unable to quench that thirst. It was the demon of unacceptance that has haunted me to this day, and to which I gave a name… the Others.

                        I have struggled with that demon for 47 years now. Since I became aware. Since I understood why I was evil… broken… gay.

                          Too much of my life has been spent, trying to be someone who I never was. To hide the love that burned inside, and an entire part of my life that only a very few understood. 

                                    {  UVA  UVAM  VIVENDO  VARIA  FIT }

                           More appropriately, {uva uvam videndo varia fit}  I saw this latin phrase years ago, in one of my favorite movies of all time. An adaptation of a book by the famous ‘western’ writer, Larry McMurtry. ‘Lonesome Dove’.  Yes, it IS true that I love westerns! At least those that seem more authentic to me. You may try to read a lot of different things into that fact, and, it is revealing about my character if you come to understand the basic underlying themes of these ‘modern’- day, Greek tragedies.  Honor, compassion, truth. These things have always been the most important things to me, and why I finally could not live the life I was trapped in. It had become untruthful, altho I didn’t lie about things in the way you might think. I had taken to simply not offering the truth. The worst lie of all.

                                 I had become like those around me. A chameleon. Laughing at straight jokes as though it meant something to me; looking for acceptance with people who never cared; praying that my church would honor the true Word…  uva uvam videndo varia fit… ‘A grape changes color in  the presence of another grape’. More or less. I thought, mistakenly, that my life of honor and compassion was enough to change the people around me. To feel my love would make them understand. That I was of God. That my heart was pure. That they should NOT be afraid of me. That I was NOT evil or broken….

                            I even tried to apply that notion out here. To spread as much love as I possibly could. To try to help the lonely and abused amongst us. To protect the less strong. To extend the hand of friendship so that others would not be so afraid. So that they need not suffer like I did, most of my life. It was MY truth, but I thought it could become theirs, as well. I truly believed… I truly believed.

                           But now, my faith is shaken, once again. I dreamed last night that I was on my trapline again, and just a teenager. The ice was crunching under my boots and I knew it was brutally cold, but I only felt it inside. I saw the ice ahead, like I did that day and found myself at a crossroads once again. I had the choice to turn around, and just go back, but my curiosity was pulling me foward, like it has, all of my life.

                               I saw a face ahead in the growing darkness and I stopped to try to understand, to warn him, but then I awoke. It was 4 A.M.

                                I guess I was pretty stressed by everything that’s been happening this summer.

I’m not sure I  will publish this. It has become too personal. OK… stop. tman.

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