Dearest Reader,
In a year where so much has happened in my life, you might think that I should feel like I’ve come a long way, and in some respects, I guess I do. But, to be honest, the feeling that seems to have overwhelmed me since Easter, is anything but satisfaction.
Maybe my expectations were set too high after all the years of living a life of quiet desperation. Always hoping that somehow I was making a difference, even though my life seemed impossibly complex. Layer after layer of equivocation in an effort to protect myself and those who I thought loved me.
So, with Easter fast approaching, I made the decision to stop the nonsense for once and all. I wrote the letter to my family and braced myself. Forty- six years is a long time to carry a burden like that.
That was a hard thing to do. I took a real ‘leap of faith,’ and did it in a way that couldn’t be undone, purposely. The way I’ve done most important things in my life. The reason I guess my youngest brother now considers me to be ‘arrogant and intolerant’.
I still haven’t been able to wrap my mind around that. It saddens me greatly.
About a week and a half ago, as I was writing my last remembrance, the sadness became oppressive. I didn’t tell anyone, because everyone has their own problems and this melancholy was making me feel… I don’t know… selfish or something. Childish, maybe.
I implied it in emails to my Godson, and he surprised me with a wonderful get- together that made me smile for the first time in weeks, I think. And, I was also sending emails back and forth to a young guy across the ‘Pond’, who has become a real ‘rock’ for me, even at his tender age. Just reading the comforting things he wrote made a big difference to me.
But somehow, the sadness returned. It’s hard to describe, but I felt… gutted. Like everything that I had achieved in my life was an illusion. That I was nothing and never had been anything. That my attempts to lead had been in vain, and the hope that I constantly advised to others was a lie.
I was pretty low at that point. So, I stopped commenting on most blogs and spent a lot of time trying to seem normal to the people around me who still need my strength, even if they probably wish I never sent that letter. And wondered if I would ever feel some joy again.
And then I got the email… From that special young man with the heart of a warrior. It was a reminder of sorts. Nonchalant in reality. A followup to our previous emails about the issue of bullying… Something he is ALL too familiar with, having been the target of the most insidious form- hateful and homophobic cretins in his school who had tried their best to destroy him all year… There were times during the past year where I could hardly type my replies to him, because of the emotion that overwhelmed me. I felt so powerless… Like I was watching the son I will never have be beaten by a sneering crowd while I stood handcuffed by the distance between us.
But this email was more of a reminder that he hadn’t forgotten our strategy. That one man can make a difference… Something I desperately hoped he had taken to heart. He sent me a draft of a letter that he had written to the principal of his school. It was part of an ongoing effort to leave his school a better place, even if he had been cheated of a safe education. We had talked about the effects of such a letter- the chain of command, and the documentation of his struggle. Creating a digital record. A chain of evidence that would be impossible to deny.
I knew he was serious in his emails to me over the past year, but as the year drew to a close, I started to lose hope that anything could come of it. After all, he had decided to move on to a different school next year, to pursue a vocation that he loves- cooking.
But, in typical ‘Davie’ fashion, he nonchalantly sends me the rewrite to see what I thought.
I can’t begin to describe how proud I felt as I read that letter. To me, it was like the voice of a seasoned litigator, mixed with the passion of a poet and the coolness of a battle- scarred warrior. I hope he doesn’t mind if I publish just a tiny bit of it to show you what I mean….
“I will stop bullying. Someday. And I will not stop until every country on this planet is free from it. No matter what it is for, because it is not right, it must be stopped.
One man can’t change the world. But i’m not one man. I’m everyone. Everyone who hasn’t got a voice. Everyone who fears being shunned for who they are.
Everyone who is too afraid to speak up.
I’m Davie Magill. I’m not one guy. I’m all of you. Everyone reading this. Everyone who has supoorted me. All of my friends, everyone who needs help.
I can’t stop this, you can’t stop this, but together we can and we will stop this.”
Davie Magill
Now, don’t get me wrong. Appropriate punishments were dealt with but, the issues themselves were not. The school to me is not a safe place to be. I hate it. And up until this year I loved school. And i never thought I would but I had friends and I had people who cared.
I abandonned some of those friends. I wasn’t the only one who suffered. My friends got bullied as well. And I abandonned some of them to make the bullies stop. What else could I do?
If you were in my shoes, you wouldn’t like your friends to suffer because of you. But some of them did, and that wasn’t fair either. So I stopped hanging out with them in school. I spoke to them only outside, because I didn’t want them to get hurt.
So what I’m saying is. Homophobic bulying is something that needs adressed. There are a number of “out” gay students in the school, and I have been contacted by even more who have not made it public but have seen what the minority of us have gone through with bullying and they don’t want to endure it.
I’ve decided to leave school next year. I’d love to stay, for my friends, for the teachers, for my education, and for myself and my self respect.
In a sense it feels i’m running away, but i’ll be going to college to do something I want to do, something I love. I’ll probably endure more hardships, and i’ll probably miss Regent, but i’ll be happy I left.
I hope for the sake of those students I have left behind that the issue is more seriously addressed. So they feel safe and comfortable in their environment. So that they get a good education free from bullying.
Thanks for your time in Regent, because even though I’ve endured all of this, i’ll still have good memories to look back on, and there’ll be a lot of great people i’ll miss.
Davie Magill, year 12 2011
That letter was sent on May 27th, after a year of half efforts by his school to confront the bullying that had predictable effects- scared gay kids, afraid that they might be next. That Davie would leave some day and everything would revert to ‘normal’…
But, they were wrong… I got the last email two days ago and Davie described his latest efforts. He has contacted an organization called ‘The Rainbow Project’ and they have taken his lead and with his permission they will contact his school to begin the process of securing the safety of all the other kids who are at risk because of their sexuality. They are deadly serious about this matter, and because of the careful documentation and the leadership of a 16 year old poet, I truly believe that change has come to northern Ireland… That for the first time, there is hope for that little boy or girl who’s only ‘crime’ is the way they were born.
I couldn’t be prouder!! And now, I feel the hope and joy returning to my life as well. And I owe it to a young man who has shown me the way and reminded me that our path is inexorably linked- we may not be related by blood, as he says, but will always be related by something even more important… our hearts.
And now, I’m crying again, but it’s OK… I love you, Davie!
tman<3
http://www.rainbow-project.org/
Editor’s note: please visit another blogger who is very important to me– he has endured a lot in the past, trying to understand his feelings and has completed the coming out process to his friends and family… He has been an inspiration to me, and now has taken up the mantle to do what he can, to stop the bullying that has caused so much destruction in the gay community over the years. — I couldn’t be prouder of him!! He’s a real fighter, and I hope you will show him some love and support! He deserves EVERY BIT!!! Here’s the link, or go to the bottom of this page and under my favorite blogs, you will find his– Confused Schoolboy.
Thanks!! http://confusedschoolboy.com/?p=305
This is really encouraging. Well done, Tony, and well done Davie!
Hi naturgesetz! I know that it may seem like I’m perhaps over-reacting a bit, but I have to tell you, that I REALLY believe that Davie’s persistence is going to have an impact, and tbh, I also think his actions may well have the effect of saving precious lives in the future…
Up to this point, there has been very few kids with the courage to stand up to this hatred and while certain teachers have tried to help, in my opinion, it has been half- hearted in some respects, and in the case of a certain gay teacher, self serving and cowardly… He seemed much more interested in his own skin than the real safety of his own students. Honestly, I wish I could have spoken to him about this– it worries me that even a teacher in a position to do something, seemed afraid of his own shadow!!
Where is the leadership? ? Is it necessary for all change to be initiated by the victims of abuse? I find myself shaking my head my entire life… I would have thought that compassionate people would be more abundant in this life.
Well, so be it. Thank God for Davie! I can’t take much credit for this. He was and is the reason that anything good will happen for the kids that will remain behind. A real pioneer and a young man with real character…The best.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment… It means a lot to me… love, Tony
Davie is indeed a special person. I’m glad you have provided council and support for him and that he has made you feel better about yourself too.
Brian… In the past month and a half, I’ve talked to a lot of people, including yourself, about the feelings I’ve had since I made that announcement to my family. I really appreciate the thoughtful counsel and the kind words as well, that you and my other friends have provided…
This whole effort to be honest to people has had the effect of casting doubt into everything I’ve done since, tho… I drive to the job, nagged by the words of that hurtful email from my brother and the lack of support I’ve felt by the rest of my family, and it just wears on me. It’s almost like they don’t give a damn about me… Can’t even find it in their hearts to come up with a kind word or thought.
So, I’ve kind of given up on my family having any kind of positive effect on me when I need them. It’s sad, but true.
I’ve spent the time instead, praying for something good to happen in my life, and I have to tell you, that this news from Davie just feels so good! Like SOMETHING positive has come from my efforts to help the younger kids out here, even if it’s difficult to reach out, across the great divide that is the Atlantic Ocean.
Davie’s courage has been an inspiration to me, and his desire to help other kids so that they don’t suffer the same that he has… well, that just speaks volumes to me about the reality of hope for the future of this world, and it couldn’t come at a better time for me!!
Thanks for your kindness, Brian, and thanks for taking the time to comment… love, Tony
Hi. I found and followed the link that you left asking me to drop you a line. I hope I am in the right place. So to let you know, I tried to clear some things up on Paul’s blog if you’re interested. Layna
Thank you SO much, Layna! I’ll head over there right away– I’ve been really worried! love, Tony
Once wrote a comment on Davie’s blog saying that he would make a good politician. I believed it then, and have become convinced of it now. He’s heading in the right direction, because I believe the way to a voter’s heart is through his stomach.
Been wondering why you were so mum during these past few weeks. Now I know why (I think). Got a lot of crap going on in my life too. Still (although slowly) working on my “life story” post on Blogger, so don’t give up on me yet….
Davie has been an inspiration to me, as well. His stories about the tragedy of his friend Johnny, as well as the dealings with overcoming his own demons, teaches us about the enormous power of the fear that keeps us silent – even unto those with whom we have strong loving and emotional ties. We need to learn how to conquer that power, rather than just “dealing with it”. I’ve “dealt with it”, and it sucks. No more dealing. Time to tear down that damm wall.
……………………………Love, Ray ❤ !
Hi Ray! lol A politician/chef… I like it! Of course, I like the idea of the food more than the politics… Lots of the time, when I’m catching up with Davie on things like his ‘Chef Academy’, we talk about the food he’s been learning to prepare, and I end up putting on ten pounds because he’s so descriptive, and tbh, a very bad influence on me! lol I’m very disciplined about my eating habits unless I talk food with Davie! Then, it’s ‘break out the brownies and ice cream’ time and I find myself consuming rather large quantities of coffee as well!!
Seriously tho– he’s a wonderful young man and a ‘mover and a shaker’ to boot, and I’ve told him time and again, that some young guy is going to be really blessed to hook up with him someday! And, on the day he gets married, I intend to be there, if he’ll allow, to throw some basmati rice and make a scene with my tear- drenched face… He deserves the best that life has to offer and some day, his efforts will translate into a better and safer way of life for all the marginalized kids of northern Ireland. Of this, I have no doubt.
Foggy, I wish you the best- it’s been a difficult road for you, I know… We come from a time where shame and fear governed our lives and it’s time now to step into the light, and put an end to the misery that society so erroneously burdened us with- We have always been worthy of more and the world has been cheated of our best qualities. I hope you find the way, and join us on that path. It may not be an easy one to travel, but it is the only one that leads to redemption. Your story deserves to be told, by you in person, whether every single person in your life appreciates that or not…
Tear down that wall, for once and for all! love, Tony
Hey “T”,
………..check out my latest profile post on my Facebook page. The “declaration”, although “out there”, was not exactly “in your face”. However, I knew my Conservative friend, Norma, would ask “the question”, although not exactly “in MY face”. My answer was factual; her reply, cordial. There’s that demon Fear again. We’re both making assumptions on each other. After her cordial reply, I should have said: “Hey Norma, I REALLY am a Pinko Fag. Any remark after that would be in the form of a question. Of course, I’m making an assumption on that.
Also, check out my new Tumblr @
http://foggychallengerpilot.tumblr.com
….My “Dashboard” is a lot saner now – following you and Jay at this time. No more “flashing lights” headaches.
…………………Love, Ray ❤
P.S. : watching the French Open. Reminded me of you "back in the day". Can't make heads nor tails on how the game is both played and scored. They bat the ball around, and then the crowd cheers; followed by the score : "15 love, match point, duce, match set. Double fault, double fault, through my own grevious double fault". Sorta like an IFR clearance with a religious twist…..:P .
lol… Hi Ray! I did check out your Facebook post. Maybe I missed something, but Norma didn’t seem to notice your ‘Pinko Fag’ reference, or considered it a well- worn expression or something… I’m not sure about who Norma really is, tbh… I know you’ve mentioned her before, but I’m not sure if you met her out here or if you live near her and knew her for years, etc…
Anyways, It almost seems like she doesn’t care, but that’s my observation after reading only a little of your exchanges with her.
I also checked out your tumblr!! Nice work!! I love the pictures there! Now, you’re going to have to take your camera everywhere so that you have something to post all the time!! It’s really an evil trap!! ;P No more free time, only time for tumblr and blog posting!!! lol
I managed to see some of the French Open men’s final this morning. I actually stumbled upon it pretty much by accident… {sigh} That’s how disconnected I’ve been lately!– I used to mark the months according to the majors that were coming up, and always felt a little sad as the Australian Open came to a close. I’m going to have to pay more attention from now on- Wimbledon is next… I’m thinking that around my nephew’s coming wedding, it’ll be at a critical point. Hopefully I don’t end up missing all of that, too! The scoring was developed by the people who played the game in the beginning- royalty in England and France. Apparently they had too much time on their hands, and/or thought that the commoners would never be able to play the sport if they made the scoring confusing… There was an attempt, back in the day, to simplify the scoring when the WTT was created (World Team Tennis). During their matches, a simple point system is used. No 15, 30, 40, add-in/add-out/deuce… Not even’ love’, sadly… IDK, most people I know seem to enjoy the quaintness of the old system, just like I always enjoyed playing on the traditional surfaces (clay and grass) much more than the artificial turfs or hardcourts that are so brutal on the body. Ever try diving onto a rug, running full tilt? lol Same as sprinting after a wide crosscourt shot from your opponent and falling… Skinned knees/elbows (rugburn or worse) are the typical result. No fun, no siree!!
Give me the old time game, any day!! Thanks for stopping by, Ray! And, hold your head high! You owe NOONE an apology for who you are! love, Tony
Davie’s been a good friend to me, too. Wise beyond his years. Incredible spirit. And strength of character that is beyond phenomenal.
Peace ❤
Jay
Hi Jay! There’s no doubt. The poet/warrior is a real force and I pray that his example is emulated by the kids who have come to admire his tenacity and courage. He has done more in his short tenure as the ‘point man’ for the protection of vulnerable kids than his school administration ever dreamed was possible apparently… Now, they will begin to understand the power of determination and dogged resolve and if they find embarrassment in that, all I can say is that it is well – deserved!! I have NO sympathy for them or their jobs that they executed so poorly. They had ample warnings and opportunities to make the necessary changes to stop the carnage of young gay and transgendered kids, but chose to turn away in shame or apathy. Neither was appropriate!
I hope the Rainbow Project/coalition comes down on them hard, and if they still choose the path of least resistance, they will not be happy with the next shoe to fall. This is necessary change, for every kid who goes home from school each day, just grateful he survived the torment. It has to end. It should have ended when we were kids. love, Tony