The throaty rumble of the Firebird 400 became a growl as the tall young man tapped the clutch and shifted the jet black machine into 3rd gear, smoothly synchronizing the meshing gears. The twin air scoops on the hood inhaled the november chill, as the car accelerated, and the road became a blur.
Matty glanced in the rear view mirror and watched the red cape cod house vanish and the waving hands become tiny as the tail lights glowed in the dusk behind him, until there was just darkness… He clenched his jaw and fought away the tears , shaking his head in disbelief. This was HIS time, and no amount of doubt or sadness would change his mind. For the first time in his life, he was doing something for himself, free from the binds of military service and the war that had defined a generation.
It was over, and with it, a new way of thinking. A nation now looked inward, and in it’s agony, forgot about the precious blood and the maimed heroes, and the indelible sound of the incoming mortars that still haunted the dreams of so many of it’s young men. It was too much to bear, and for many, easier to sweep away, into the dustbin of history. There, the white marble markers stretched on into the sunset as the mockingbirds called the rolls of the dead until the day when a granite wall would whisper the etched names once again.
The young man would never forget, but would hide the pain of loss and the betrayal of his country deep inside while politicians fought on paper parapets and men of the cloth disparaged those left behind for how they loved in the face of all that pain. He was acutely aware, and had been for many years, that it was a simple thing to vilify someone different. He had fought against that his entire life, and yet it was still in vogue as the lessons of history were lost on those who would not hear.
But now, all of that was being left behind, as the green glow of the speedometer and the strobing lines on the asphalt road seduced the 21- year- old boy and the adrenaline pulsed through his body, raising goosebumps on his tanned arms. He checked the gauges again to make certain… Gas… Full. Oil pressure… 25 pounds and steady. Temperature… 165 and climbing. He’d glance at that gauge a thousand times on the journey south.
This car was his escape. His jet to freedom, purchased with the money he saved from an early age and now it would magically lift him away, almost like a real jet, as the cockpit surrounded him in a dreamlike fashion with the multitude of gauges and lights.
He did not know what would happen, but he did know that whatever it was would change his life, and that was good enough. At least for now. And so, he shifted into 4th gear and rolled the window down a little to let the cold air dry his eyes and brace him for the long road ahead.
It was almost 5:30 as the wide tires of the cruising car reached the concrete pavement of the Merritt Parkway and the road grew dark as the autumn sun sank from view, leaving Matty and the other travelers to light the way with their scattered headlights. The way south had become a ribbon of red, glowing taillights and oncoming streaks of strobing white lasers that grew in ferocity and vanished just as quickly, one after another… Endlessly.
There was no need for a map. Matty knew the way to I- 95, and once he was there, it was mostly a simple matter of a long ride south where in the next 5 years, everything about his life would change. In those 5 years, he would live a dream that sometimes resembled a nightmare, as life dangled him in front of a ravenous tiger and challenged his courage and code. For that, he had no plan. It wouldn’t have mattered if he did.
This story may take a while to recount. It is full of unimaginable twists and turns… Love and loss. Despair and vindication. I tell you now that it is the story of me, and it started long before that november eve, on a saturday in May in the year of our Lord, 1969…
“Bubba…”
“Huh?”
“What’re you thinkin’?”
“I don’t know… nothin’, I guess.”
“Nothin? Then, why is your heart pounding like that?”
“What’re you talking about, you maniac…”
Bobby laughed and rocked back, leaning his head on Matty’s shoulder. “Thump thump…th- thump thump! I can feel your heartbeat through my back and it got harder, just now!”
“Well, aren’t you the detective, huh?” The tall, blond teen sighed and closed his eyes. He cherished these moments in this special place. He and Bobby had found this hidden meadow the summer before and had come here to sunbathe during lunch… Bobby had insisted that they make their venture even more dangerous by stripping off their jeans and underwear and getting the full effect of the summer sun. He had even brought along a bottle of a coconut- scented tanning oil the second time, and had lavishly spread it across Matty’s back, in the most private areas, as he giggled with delight and his breathing became hoarse. Matty had shared in the sensual experiment, made all the more dangerous because of the remote possibility of discovery, by returning the favor, and kneading the oily mixture into the untanned backside and legs of his new lover.
They had only attempted this rendezvous a handful of times last year, because they discovered the meadow late in the summer, but this year they hoped to sneak away once a week, even if it was just to talk.
It was a time that both boys looked foward to, but the conditions had to be perfect. Today, the gentleman farmer was away and the crews were being sent home early, except those that the tall boy deemed necessary to complete the planting of the tomato seedlings. They were nearly done, so Matty and Bobby became the final team, and they were alone.
“Come on, Koles! What’re you thinking about? That cute kid, Trevor? … Yeah, I’ll bet that’s it! He really fills those shorts out, eh? Man, I had a tough time not looking at him this morning. He was sitting on the tractor wheel well and I could see right up his shorts! I think I saw the head of his pecker… I know I saw his balls! Man, he’s really …”
“OK.. OK!! Shut up already!! I was thinking about yesterday. You know, after the Memorial Day parade … The soldier with the missing hand in the cemetery. The one who I went over to talk to after the speeches”, Matty blurted out.
Bobby was quiet for a moment. He sighed and turned his head until his mouth was near Matty’s ear. “He was a marine wasn’t he? Mike was army…”
“Yeah. But he reminded me of Mike. He looked about the same age. I don’t know Bobby. I was standing there and I couldn’t stop thinking about what Mike had written and then I closed my eyes and it was like it all happened yesterday! I could feel him again… I was standing there with my head on his chest, asking if he could come home for my birthday, like some stupid kid… Like my birthday meant anything! He was heading off to war and all I could think about was my freakin’ birthday! “
“STOP!! What the hell are you talking about? You know that’s not true! You just didn’t want to let him go. You didn’t know how to keep him here. The whole thing about your birthday was so that he would come back to you, and he would have… At least from what you told me, you were like his family to him. A special brother. Don’t make it something that it never was! He’s gone. You can’t ever bring him back…”
” I know… I know Bobby… But I don’t want people to forget, either.”
Bobby sighed and moved so that he was sitting by Matty’s side. He put his right arm around the slender boy and intertwined the fingers of his left hand with Matty’s. The two sat like that for a while as the nesting birds in the woods behind them sang their warnings to each other. Bobby finally broke the silence…
“What did you say to him, Koles?”
“The soldier?”
“Yeah, Corporal Nelson, right?”
Matty looked at his friend, startled. “How did you know his name? You stayed by the tree…”
Bobby giggled. “Hey, I can read! And I have eyes like a hawk! He had a name tag and the Corporal stripes… duh!!”
“Oh… right… Matty shrugged. “Well, I told him my name, and then I told him thanks.”
“Thanks?”
“Yeah… thanks. For risking his life to protect us… And then I told him I was sorry he lost his hand.”
“Geezz… you said that? What did he say?”
“Uh… Well, he said I was the first kid to tell him thanks and his voice started shaking.”
“Is that when you hugged him?”
“Yeah… I didn’t know what else to do… I remember that it helped Mike when I did that.”
“Did you tell him about Mike?”
“Kind of…”
“Kind of? Whatta ya mean?”
“Bobby… I kind of lied to him, and told him I lost a brother over there… I feel really bad about that. I didn’t know I was even going to say that! It just came out that way!”
The blond boy’s eyes filled with tears and he fought for composure. He reached up and wiped his face with the back of his hand and shook his head. “Bobby, I’ve been thinking about this a lot… It’s not right that Mike’s brothers will have to grow up without him. He did what he did for all of us, but he’s gone now, and nobody even really knows who he was. Do you know what I mean? He deserves more than that! He was a real hero! Somebody has to show people that he was a real man… Even if he loved me…”
It was too much to bear, and the 15- year- old boy buried his face in his hands and sobbed. Bobby held him close and tried to comfort the boy who meant so much to him, and wondered what it all meant. For the future of their love and the path that history had set in place. He did not know, but his best friend had already started a journey… the die was cast.
The news had been bad for such a long time that it tore at the fabric of the great society … the place conceived in the mind of a compassionate president who had once believed in the moral obligations that made a great nation strong- that the greatness of a nation could be seen in the way it’s weakest and most vulnerable were cared for, no matter their race… That a great nation stood as a beacon to others. That freedom was the grace bestowed on the descendants of struggle, who owed much to that legacy.
Somewhere in his tenure, the bell of freedom ceased its joyful chime as the boys returned from that place halfway around the world, some who would never again drink from Freedom’s well. Others who would forever bear the scars of a misconceived and miscalculated arrogance. Remembered with despair, or forgotten with shame.
By June of 1969, the ghosts numbered over 34,000 and each passing day brought new horrors to a devastated nation. Places like Mai Lai and Hamburger Hill, Khe Sahn and Quang Tri became emblazoned in the consciousness of those who were still listening.
The blond farm boy was one of those. Each bit of news and the awful pictures that came from the tangled jungles of that strange land, hardened his resolve that this war must end, and if he was to enjoy the blessings of this blood- soaked liberty, he had a duty as clear as any that his father and uncles had faced a quarter century before. That freedom had never been free.
So, he prayed for strength on the hill overlooking the marsh to the south and the farm to the west and remembered… the words in a letter from one of the fallen and the tears in the eyes of another who had done their very best and were now passing the torch… He only asked to serve- as an honorable man.
Little did the boy know how difficult that would be.
July, 1972
“All right gentlemen… Remember that all questions must be checked either yes or no, and for those that require some additional explanation, there is adequate space provided in those areas. Also, you may footnote the question and go to the last page of the questionnaire and you will see additional areas that can be used…”
The voice droned on and on as the young man sat at the desk in the assembly room with the long windows that looked out onto the terrazzo level of his new home. He felt the butterflies fluttering in his stomach and the telltale chill that accompanied them course through his body as he glanced at the other young men in the room. He wondered how many of them were just 17, like he was, and a sudden wave of homesickness rose from the depths and just as quickly disappeared, replaced by a searing realization… Question 23. He read it again, and felt his face redden as it crystalized in his brain. ‘Are you a homosexual or have you ever engaged in homosexual activity?’
His hand trembled as he held the pen over the two boxes to the right of the question.
Yes or no. It really was quite simple. And in that moment, he knew that it was anything but simple. That the efforts of two years of preparation and competition that had finally resulted in his prestigious appointment hung at that very moment in the balance. That with one black check mark in the ‘yes’ box, he could annihilate all of the work and the risk that important people had taken by appointing him as a future leader in his country’s defense.
It was all so simple… He put the tip of the pen in the ‘no’ box and with that mark, dishonored the people who had meant the most to him, because there was no other way. He felt the tears starting to form in his eyes, but hardened his heart and pushed them away, as if the lie was a normal thing… The right way to start his service to the nation he loved. He moved to the next question and the one after but now it was just a blur as his shoulder’s slumped and his heart was heavy, like that of an old man who lived alone after a life of despair.
After a while, the questions were over and the oath was taken, and with it, the promise, “to protect and defend the constitution of the United States Of America, so help me God.”
The blond haired boy steeled himself and lowered his hand like the rest of the young men as the solemnity of the moment settled over the quiet room. He looked at the shorter boy standing next to him and saw in his face, the look of determination that he felt on his own. That even tho this blessed nation had stumbled, she was still worthy of the blood spilled in her defense. That if the beacon would ever shine again, it would start with the new generation, and the conviction that honor was still an important pillar of a free society.
Matty took a deep breath and resigned himself to his fate. He was now at the mercy of a system that promised to make men from the ‘boys’ who walked through its gates. But life had already taken away any innocence that the blond 17 -year- old ‘boy’ once had, and the barking commands that followed were lost in the shuffle of the seared memories from deep in his soul… Of the things that had hardened his heart and resolve. Things that little boys should never see or feel.
The reason he was here.
Continued in Part 2…
Tony's Red Flash 
Nice remembrance, Tony, and appropriate for this Memorial Day holiday. Poor Matty, having to falsify the answer to those two questions to pursue the duty he felt he was obligated to do. That must have weighed heavily on his mind.
I look forward to further installments of this one, to know how Matty proceeded from there.
Thanks, Brian… I started this remembrance with Memorial Day in mind, and the sacrifice that many, including you, have endured in their service to our country… I don’t know anyone who has served who hasn’t given a measure of themselves, whether it was intended or not. There are some who have paid the ultimate cost and live only in our memories now, and to them, their families and all the others who have served honorably so that we may live our lives as free men, I say ‘Thank you’ from the bottom of my heart!
There are many things that could be improved in this nation, but without the dedication to duty that our freedom demands, we would never have the opportunity to make those changes.
It’s a lesson that I learned at an early age- that talk is cheap, but honor and duty come at a cost. We should NEVER forget that the sacrifice of others allows for that speech…
Thank you so much for your service to our country, Brian, and thanks for taking the time to read… love, Tony
Even though I never served, I know many who spent long tours in Vietnam. That war has held a terrible fascination over me, certainly more than any other.
I am sure the moment of answering that single question was a defining moment in your life, probably to the day you decided to end the deceit and come out. I can’t imagine that at all.
I have such incredible respect for the men and women of our armed forces. For anyone to dedicate themselves for this high calling deserves nothing but the highest praise.
Thank you for sharing this, and allowing me to say “THANK YOU”!
Peace ❤
Jay
Thanks Jay… We seem to live in a myopic society at times where people can’t see past the ends of their driveways and war is more like a video game unless you actually have someone serving or have been involved someway yourself over the years.
It worries me that this type of complacency is what allows our policy makers the latitude to commit troops to places like Vietnam without the active participation of the People. The troops become numbers and divisions and it’s just too easy to forget that each one has a circle of family and friends worried that they will someday be visiting a marker and not a loving person.
I had hoped that Vietnam had changed that, but the past 10 years has eliminated that delusion.
Now, I hardly even hear the discussions anymore about ‘why’ or ‘when’… It just ‘is’…
I hope the kids who come here to read about my experiences are VERY careful in their decisions when it comes to military service, and understand the cost of commitment. It can be life- altering, literally… It can be one of the best things you ever do, but it can also be a huge mistake if the people you rely on in Washington aren’t students of history or men of intelligence.
I wish all the veterans and those on active duty the best today… I hope your sense of duty has been acknowledged by the people around you, even if it’s just a young kid saying ‘thanks’….
love, Tony
Hey Tony,
…….Read Gabe’s post about wanting to join the Marines. Although it sounds like he wants to “kill the Commies for Christ”, I believe he just wants to get away – far away to something new; plus in these tough economic times – it’s a job.
That’s why I enlisted; and back in the day, when the Draft was in full force, there were no job opportunities until you completed your active duty obligation. Besides, they took care of you, gave you specialized training and you got to see the world – visiting many exotic and exciting far-away places. Such was the lure of the military back then. And such is its lure today, especially the higher educational opportunities.
I sit here now, and wonder what my life in the military would have been, had I known then what I know now. Would I have checked “no”? would I have allowed a number of “moments” on both “Westpacs” to come to at least “half-circle”?
Just like in my middle and high school days those moments of opportunity went unanswered.
Sometimes, honesty can be defined by virtue, conscience, commitment and honor; and you are among the most honest people I have ever met. Thank YOU, Sir, for your faithful and dedicated service. You would’ve made one hell of a fighter pilot; and I would have been able to tell you where to go – so to speak 😛 ………
………………Love, Ray [aka: “FOGGY”]
Hi Ray… First of all, I want to make sure that I say ‘Thank you’ for your service to this wonderful nation… You served at a time when we needed you most and during one of the most agonizing times in the history of this country. The reason I started writing the remembrance around Memorial Day was to remind people of the grave consequences that flow from our leaders in Washington, and the impact that they have throughout the ranks and lives of those who serve… Many who joined or were drafted had their lives changed forever after they took that oath to ‘serve and protect’. It is one of the most selfless and loving things you can do in your life, but I also want kids like Gabe (yeah, he might not like that word, but he should learn to embrace it for what it is… he still has so much to live and learn about… that is the nature of life) to be solemn and very cautious about the reasons they want to join… It is impossible to overstate the seriousness that should attach itself to that, but it is equally easy at the young age that kids join, to overlook the consequences of that oath, and not all of them are apparent until you experience them. I urge the young men and women who are considering a commitment like that to sit down with a veteran and carefully assess the reasons for their enthusiasm BEFORE going to a recruiter who’s only job is to get the qualified ones to sign.
None of this should be treated with anything but the most careful deliberation. Taking that oath means an awful lot, potentially, and ask of us things that many are never asked- the giving or the taking of life. There is little that compares to that. It can change a person forever.
Maybe now, a man can serve honorably and openly, after coming to terms with that life- altering decision. Anything less is an insult, IMHO…
I would have liked to have served that way, Ray… More than anything else. I joined with a pure heart and never considered the impossibility of that. For me, it was too much to ask, once the war ended. I had done my best, and even lied to do it… Many will never understand how difficult that was for me, but it was the saddest thing in my life for all these years. Trust me on that.
But what is past can not be changed. What is yet to be, can. Honor and duty are never out of style. It is the way a man should live. But he should NEVER be asked to soil that code because of the way he was created by the loving God who does not make mistakes.
That is why I chose to leave. love, Tony
Hallo Tony
In 1983, there was in Vancouver/Canada the “Vollversammlung des Weltkirchenrates” with an hopefull declaration.
In the same time arose the following poem:
http://www.gabrieleweis.de/denkwerkstatt/literarisches/borchert-dann-gibt-es-nur-eins.htm
I don’t know about an englisch Translation
Nikki
Nikki… Thank you for your submission… I’ll have to see if I can translate it… I do have an application in my computer to do that (I think), but am not sure how to use it! lol I’ll do my best when I have some extra time…. love, Tony
Tony,
Your most recent post popped up on the blogs that I follow and a immediately clicked on it to see what you posted. As I began to read I was soon engrossed in this most recent remembrance.
As I read Matty’s description to Bobby of his interaction with the veteran, tears came to my eyes.
When I got to where Matty spoke about his lost friend, “He deserves more than that! He was a real hero! Somebody has to show people that he was a real man… Even if he loved me…” I broke down, sobbing. I had to stop reading at this point as I was too emotional to continue. I left my computer and went outside, did some work around the place, and pulled myself together. I returned later to finish reading.
The “he was a real man… Even if he loved me…” really got to me. The main reason I enlisted in the Army in 1967, knowing that I would be putting my life in jeopardy, was because I had been taught by my parents that I would never be a man. I had to prove to myself that I could become a man.
My friend David was beaten down and had to leave home at a tender age because he had loved me. Later to commit suicide because he felt that his future was hopeless.
As the years have passed I have learned what being a “real man” entails. I feel bad that David and I, as well as most gay/bisexual youth, have had to start our adult lives under this black cloud of rejection.
I so appreciate your putting into words, via your remembrances, the emotions and feelings that I as a boy and also as an adult, have been packing around in the back recesses of my mind all these years. Although it brings sadness to the forefront, it also helps me understand yet again, that I wasn’t then and am not now, alone in my anguish.
Thanks again, Buddy….Adon
Adon… Thank you for your thoughtful comment… Writing the 1st chapter of ‘The Farewell’ was very hard for me, mostly because I was trying to give my readers an understanding of the things that drove me and other guys like us to make the solemn decisions about life that we did. Why these feelings of shame were so relevant in ways they never should have been.
I come from a family where duty to one’s country was considered a given… That a real man needs to take care of the people around him and that includes taking his place on the firing line at a time of war… Whether the war is considered just or not has nothing to do with that duty. That part needs to be hammered out by the electorate.
Knowing that from an early age, I felt shattered to learn that a man who loves other men would be discounted despite his call to duty and his sacrifice, even if it results in his death. It compelled me as a boy to try to reason through that evil conundrum and the only sense I could make of it, was that people were uninformed, and if they knew my heart and the love I held for people and for my country, it would change the way they thought about Mike, and all the other brave guys who gave up so much to prove that to people.
I guess I hoped that they would be able to see past their feelings of disdain, and realize that even gay soldiers were real men, deserving of the same respect as straight ones.
I was devastated to find out what I had involved myself in- a system that considered me sick and corrupting to others… inhuman even. Not worth a sideways glance.
All I wanted to do was what Mike would have wanted- to defend my country because he no longer could. To show the world that his sacrifice was worthy.
Anguish is a perfect word, Adon. Thanks for taking the time to read and share your thoughts with us… And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your sacrifice and service to this nation… love, Tony
Thanks for serving in the defense of our country. It comes at a cost to all who do it, but the cost to you and so many others who had to hide the truth in order to do so was much higher than it needed to be.
BTW, thinking about this reminds me of my draft physical, probably in the fall of 1968, after grad school and the monastery, when I was no longer deferred. I didn’t lie in response to the question of homosexuality. The doctor who interviewed me after I completed my questionnaire asked me if I wanted it in my file that I was homosexual. I responded that it was the truth. He asked again, a bit more forcefully, and I answered the same way. On the third or fourth time around I realized that he wasn’t asking if I wanted to lie in order to keep it off the record. He meant the question precisely as he had asked it: did I want it in my file. So I said if it didn’t have to be in the file, I’d prefer that it not be. After the interview was over I went back to the larger hall, and when everybody who had come in on a bus from my town was through, we got on the bus and went home.
In due course, I got the card from my draft board classifying me 2-A (or something like that, I don’t remember exactly, but definitely not 4-F). The doctor had obviously been compassionate at put something down which didn’t say I was homosexual but that I shouldn’t be called if they could help it. I really appreciate his kindness.
Would it have been more honorable for me to lie so as to put myself in harm’s way?
All I know is that I admire all who chose to serve our country, especially those who were in a position to avoid the call.
No , naturgesetz. I think you may have misinterpreted my feelings on this.
For me, there was only one way to affirm the sacrifice of someone special to me, and that was to take the torch that was passed to me. My feelings about the righteousness of the war were of no consequence any more than my sexuality should have been to others. I was not naive enough to believe that I would not be asked the question tho, or the consequences to any career that started at a military academy. There was ZERO chance at that point, that I would serve as a graduated officer of the AFA if I answered that question truthfully. And, I thought that if change was going to happen, it would come from the example of brave soldiers, gay or straight, and most likely to come from the TOP down… That was my hidden chip, I thought– my intelligence and ability as a leader. I knew my capabilities, but I underestimated the homophobic environment I was entering. And, I had ALREADY lied and answered that question earlier in the process. I never anticipated having to do it AGAIN, just before swearing in… Could I have served as a non- commissioned soldier? IDK, but at the time, probably… There were LOTS of guys trying to get out of the line of fire with the excuse that they were gay. By 1972, that was wearing thin, and the deferments were ending… Those same guys started to talk about heading to Canada if their numbers were low in the lottery. I know of some that did. I also know and have talked with the sons of some that did. I won’t go into what I said to those kids, but I was careful to let them make their own conclusions about the reasons their dads headed out of town when the time came.
I can’t put myself in someone else’s head or heart. I don’t want to. I have tried my best to live my life in such a way that when I am called I won’t have all kinds of regrets to look back on.
Living in the closet was bad enough. I don’t want anyone else to have to live like that. Especially someone who only wanted to do what he thought Christ demanded of him.
It hurts too much.
love, Tony