On this 1st day of the new month, I awoke to nature’s elegant offering that lifted my spirits as the showcase glowed in gentle shades of pink, white and purple that seemed to have bloomed just for me in the moonlit skies overnight.

            I know that the timing is likely unrelated, but allow me my illusions if you will, gentle reader, for it brought tears to my eyes in the same way that the past few days have… The anxiety and vulnerability giving way to hope and fulfillment as I read the most wonderful emails and felt the love in those and the comments that were sent to support my newest adventure.

            There are those who took the time to remind me that whatever happened I would still be loved and held my hand through the choppy and dark waters at the beginning… To those people, I owe a great debt and now send my love… I only wish it were possible to have them sitting here, laughing with me and sharing a cup of coffee and  maybe even a brownie and ice cream. ;P

           What also impressed me, although I should not be surprised, was the elegant wisdom of some of the youngest amongst us, who calmly reminded me, as I ranted about the tardiness of some replies to that infamous (in my mind, anyways) email that I sent to my family, that I was deserving of love, and that patience would be an ally.

           God only knows why these kids are so insightful at such a tender age, but they were absolutely right, as the replies trickled in and were 99% supportive.

            Some of my favorite ‘Old Timers’ tried to calm me as well and I was in definite need of that, the past few days, as all of this played out, with me ‘In absentia’ , in an emotional limbo… It felt almost like an out of body experience at times because the pressure was so intense and I knew that my life was changing in radical ways, almost in the blink of an eye.

           I’m explaining how I felt and I hope this doesn’t seem self- absorbed, but maybe it will give you all some insight into how a lifetime of hiding can take its toll on the self- esteem of a man. Even tho I had come to the conclusion long ago that I was deserving of the same love as a straight person, I will not deny that there was an element of doubt and confusion as the immediate response from my family lagged and I felt the weight pressing down on me again, just as it had as a boy.

        I spent a lot of time yesterday in my gardens and working on an inoperative lawn mower that caused a lot of extra work for me last summer as I manually cut the lawns of my home as well as the home of my parents, who are no longer capable of these tasks. The whole idea (outside of fixing the doggoned machine) was to take my mind off of the agony of the slow- moving process, but I found every reason to abandon the job and do some ‘research’ on the mower repair whilst checking the progress of the responses to my coming out… Of course, this led to more frustration and anxiety because half of the family had not responded and would not, until last night.

         A certain young poet from Ireland, got the worst of that!  I’m sorry kid… I’ll keep you anonymous even tho most everyone knows who I mean… But he was startlingly clairvoyant in his analysis of what was happening, telling me at one point that my brother and sister- in- law may not have checked their emails… (!!!)  I brushed that off because I was so anxious, and he held my hand and told me that it would be all right. Meanwhile another young monkey imparted his wisdom, telling me that his uncle reminded him at times like this, that patience was an ally. It warmed my heart to know that they cared enough to struggle for answers that would make me feel better. I can’t thank them enough. Seriously.

        They, unlike me, were both absolutely right. My middle brother finally contacted me shortly after a heart- rendering conversation that I had with his son, my oldest nephew, that brought me to tears as he apologized for not being there for me during my struggles even tho I had always been there for him. Well, now I’m crying again…   Lord….

       I reminded him that there was NO way that he was responsible for my pain, and he interrupted me to tell me that it didn’t matter and that he still felt that way- that he wished he could have shouldered some of it for me.

         I am blessed. In so many ways….

        There are still some who have not replied and may well fall into that category that my young Irish friend so accurately predicted- email slackers, or people trying to digest what it all means, so I will take his advice and the wise advice of all the other bloggers and friends who have tried to comfort me, and be patient, and enjoy the beautiful day that God has gifted us…

                                I love you all!!  tman<3



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