I have waited almost 45 years for this day, and, now, it has come… the end of a lifetime of lies … of hiding…. of furtive, shame- filled thoughts and unreasoned fear.

As a little boy, my greatest fear was of the dark corners of my bedroom closet… My earliest memories are of that type– evil clowns with glowing eyes, perched in the afternoon shadows of that closet in the shade drawn room where I napped. There was always something very unnatural about that closet that the little boy just felt…. And yet, when the real world sunk it’s venomous fangs into his tender heart, that is where he went for safety… that is where he went to cry, and, to pray, for the day that his Father would shine His light, into the darkest corners, and lift the fear from deep inside so that he could speak again…. Speak to the Others, who made that closet his reality…

The little boy now lives in the first glimmer of light that is peeking past the creaky door… the door, worn from the passage of time… Now, there will be no refuge… the light will find the truth, and give voice to a little boy’s prayers that will for the first time, be spoken by a man.

    I started this blog some 18 months ago, with no expectations and a lot of trepidation… Somewhere deep inside, I knew, even then, that the secret existence that I lived since my enlightenment, was coming to an end. Perhaps it was inevitable that the truth would emerge through the writing that has come from my years in that cauldron… I just couldn’t ‘let it be’ anymore… So, now, my remembrances are being digested by one of the most important persons in my life… Last night, after searching for this blog for many months, he was startled to see the link exposed, suddenly, in the Google search engine.  I would have liked to have been there when it registered in his mind, what had just happened… This fine young man, I should explain, is like a Godson to me… He lives on a college campus a good distance from here, in a remote part of Vermont. He is employed at his alma mater, where he graduated, 2 years ago, with high honors… magna cum laude… I feel honored to have been allowed to be a part of his life for so many years.
 
        Since he became aware of the existence of my blog, he has tried to locate it… It had become a running joke between us, and a type of dare to him, from one of the chief ‘tormentors’ in his life!! It was all in good fun, but, as the remembrances that I published became so revealing, I felt the anxiety level rise, every time we joked about it… I didn’t think that there was much chance of discovery, but, then, about a month and a half ago, I decided to change the privacy settings… So, I knew this day was coming.

        I made that decision because I just couldn’t live like this, anymore.  I have allowed a corrupt society to imprison me in it’s subtle, but deadly ways, since the very first loving touch of a boy became not a joyful thing, but a shameful one… The tragedy was that I allowed it to happen… An otherwise courageous life, dragged into a snakehole of despair, simply because my love was ‘different’… It has shaped almost every major decision in my life, in the most cruel ways, and driven me from my place of worship, that was my only refuge as a boy… I spent half a lifetime, trying to live up to the expectations of a failed and evil belief system… My only salvation up to now has been my firm belief that I was put here for a reason, and, that my Creator doesn’t make mistakes.

        My greatest sin has been a sin of omission… For that, I am deeply sorry… But for the rest– I am done… This is the path foward now… There is NO turning back… Soon, I will be free and, the little boy that survived in the dark recesses of that closet will speak again, even if it kills him.

        I love you, James!!  Words can never say how much…       Tony<3 <3<3

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