About the last thing on my list of ‘to dos’ today, was to post something on this blog… Problem is, I can’t carry this around the rest of today, and, not have it wreck the rest of my birthday celebration… Yeah, that’s today… It started off great, with one of my 6 godchildren driving in from out of state to share breakfast with me… it was a surprise, but, not really… We are very close, and, he has grown to be a fine young man, so, I knew he would do something to make sure that I wasn’t alone… I love him as much as I’ve ever loved anyone in this life.
After the past few weeks, I needed a kindness like that, more than anyone in my ‘real’ life knew.
So, it was a good start. I came home and checked the mail… A whole bunch of birthday cards!! Great timing!! Some came in the past few days, and, that was cool, too, but, on the actual day… well, that’s amazing!! lol
Then, the answering machine… My little nephew singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me, with his 2 year old brother in the background, giggling and yelling… Special!! Really cool… now, I’m crying… I don’t know what’s wrong, lately… too much stress, I guess… medical stuff, aging parents, bad memories… IDK… too much of everything… But, it’s all good… just keep going, Tony… The worst is behind you… move on. Get back to your normal self… the go-to guy that is called ‘analytical’ by the sister with all the answers… the one that doesn’t know what the word ‘decision’ means… hmmm… lol…
Oh hell, check online… maybe everything has cooled down, and the verdict is in on who can be trusted and who’s just a scumball…
BIG MISTAKE.
What was I thinking?? That this whole mess would leave us in a better place?? All the apologies and comforting comments in the world, are apparently not enough… No, Tony….. You should have stayed away, like you had promised- at least on your birthday…
Now, the real depression is on the doorstep… Apparently, ‘revision’ is the word of the day… Let me see… yeah… I really didn’t care about the kids that I said I did… hmmm… I’m probably just a fake, too…. yeah!! wow!! And, I thought he was smart!! Oh… here’s a good one…. I’m sick because I care… Oh, back up… only if I really didn’t sleep much, like I said, in the past 2 weeks… OK… maybe sick is the wrong word… how about ‘nuts’?? Love those quaint southern descriptions… Reminds me of a roommate that I had in college from Kentucky… OOPS… Now, I’m rambling… thinking… I MUST be nuts!!
So…….So…..So…… What do I do?? Why should I care?? Why did I cry so much?? Why did I
try so hard to figure all this out, and miss days of work, and sleep, and meals… ( yeah, I really did!! WTF…why bother explaining…)
WHY DID I TELL EVERYONE MY SECRET???
I should have stayed away… it was safer, saner… At least I felt that way for one day… I guess we are all painted with that proverbial brush now- no credibility, no morals, no compassion, no love….
CONUNDRUM<<<<<<< def. A question or problem having only a conjectural answer…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME…
Tony's Red Flash 
Well, I hope what's left of your birthday is as good as the beginning, and that you can put the negative stuff behind for a while. A little constructive criticism is not a bad thing, a few well-intentioned suggestions, but I can't understand why anyone would want to be just plain nasty when you obviously care as much as you do.
Happy Birthday!
yeah… well… welcome to my hell, Naturgesetz… Apparently, I went too far with my compassion, and, now, I'm 'nuts' because I couldn't sleep during this mess… I guess I'm just some freak, that sits here, gleefully reveling in the hurt feelings of others… I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't… I tried to comfort some of the younger guys that seemed most affected by this thru emails, and, I guess that makes me incredible, especially in one kid's eyes… I'm seriously considering this whole venture a defeat… If you can't even care w/o being classified as 'nuts' and even worse, then, what good is any of this?? tman
Of course I'm not aware of the communications between you and other individuals, so I can only talk in generalities. And we saw how far off the mark I can go when I try to read between the lines of what you post. But still I'll say that different people will react differently to what you do. What might help you going forward is if you take a moment to think about the negative reactions, the things that feel like defeats, and ask yourself if there was anything you could have done differently that might have brought a better result.
I'd also suggest that it's not a defeat if you haven't had the results you hoped for in every instance. It's a success if there has been a benefit to someone.
One more thing occurs to me. I rarely read the blogs of kids under 15. The simple fact is that most people that age are pretty immature. They don't think like adults. They don't react like adults. It is my own personality that makes me find many of their blogs tiresome. If you can stand them, you're a better man than I am, but is it possible that you're expecting them to be more mature than they are or can be?
So hang in there.
*hugs*
You are right, of course… I am just really angry at the insinuations and I guess I brought it on myself for trying to help… I saw the fragility of some of these kids, and, saw myself, struggling through my own issues alone as a young child. I didn't even share most of my worst problems with my own parents as a kid… I felt like a pariah because of my feelings for other guys and didn't trust adults to understand… All my reading and praying told me that I was right not to…
But, times have changed. There is opportunity to reach out to these same kids today that I didn't have as a kid… I think it is a double edged sword tho, and, I guess I don't handle defeat well… never have.. lol Maybe that's the biggest problem… IDK…
Hey tman,
If I may, . . . . swirling in your head . . . . you didn't care . . . you care . . . because you are fake, you are not smart, you are sick, you are nuts, etc. Yes, you went too far with your compassion. I don't think you are a freak. Who said that to you? Stop beating yourself.
You are a Leo, a Lion. You are compassionate, fiercely loyal and generous to a fault. I used to think these traits are my assets. They had proven to be liabilities instead. I succumb to them sparingly.
Again, don't forget you are a Leo, a Lion King.
Roar back and assert yourself. Show your huge fangs. Depression is not, repeat not, in a Leo's vocabulary. And for Pete's sake, don't tell anybody you cry. Lion Kings don't cry. Well, maybe in private, but not in public.
I know because I am a Leo too. So happy birthday to both of us.
My friends encouraged me to open my own blog to share my qualifications and experiences to a wider audience than the students I'm mentoring. Boy, I am so glad I didn't.
Caesar Augustus
Are you freggim serious???
Most of that post first off was talkin about me caring to much. And how i need to stop cuz i'd be crazy to worry bout folks, and lose sleep over somethin online.
If anythin u helped me come to this. YOU HELPED. NOT DEFEATED.
HOW r u fake? I cant hug u when one of us is feeling down. I cant see ur eyes when ur telling me sumtin. I cant hear the tone in ur voice when u have sumtin to say. Your fake. Just like everyone else, just like i am to u.
But idk what else to say. I cant keep tryin to help other people feel good. I need to feel good, i got too much crap to deal with.
BTW, Happy birthday.
Also, Natur idk if u've read a blog latly, but i'd like to think im pretty dang mature. Most of the guys my age with blogs are. I've seen life man. I've seen more than most adults. Its automatic dismissal cuz of age that a lot of us dont get taken serious. It seems the older guys are the sensitive ones.
tman, I almost forgot to share this with you. When I'm in public witnessing a sad event, I feel a lump in my throat. I just choke and avoid having to cry. In our society, many people regard a man crying in public as a sign of weakeness who they can disrespect and maybe step on.
Caesar Augustus
Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.
I've taught high school for twenty years now, and I've learnt to have a very thick skin. You can try to help, you can do your best, but when all you can do is type words on a screen it is so limited. All the subtleties of face-to-face human contact are lost. Even as a teacher talking to a student you can try to connect, but in the limited way your position allows.
Our role is to give. They are too young to understand our emotional needs: we have to be strong enough to accept that and look after ourselves.
I honestly believe you do make a difference. I've watched a number of your blog conversations with guys who are taking risks with their lives. You say your piece and they come back hard against it. That's what teenagers do. But over time their attitudes change just a little. When I notice it, I think wow. That's a victory you can be proud of.
Gabe is right. Mayb u guys just r ovr readin into what he means. But u can't change the facts that this is the net an it ain't REAL LIFE. That's y ppl refer to online life an real life as seperate. Aftr evrythin it's more clear than evr that online is limited cause u can't talk and see. Alot is lost in just seein a typed word. And as we've seen many people enjoy taking liberties with other ppls trust and emotions in their little games. Some hide behind I was just protecting myself but no matter the reasons lies hurt.
On the other side I can tell ya there r alot of adults offerin to help. Some tend to get hurt if we don't listen or don't respond the way the expect it. I think even adults need reminding that this I'd the net an has huge limits especially when reaching out to help kids…I mean u can lead a horse to water but u can't make him drink. Sumtimes I think adults get there own emotional needs confused with the need to put the needs of the kid first. I mean yeah listen, offer advise but don't go gettin all bent if we don't listen. Sumtimes we gota learn on our own. I fer one get so upset when adults get mad cause they think I'm ignoring them when I am just tryin to live my life … The one in the real world. Cause to me it takes priority to online stuff.
Ok I said to much already. Live on ppls. Stop getin bent on the small issues and realize there's bigger stuff more important to deal with. Gabe n them IMO have evry rite to be pissed an hurt. An ppl shuld let them go thru it . Most if all don't say stuff that implies there feelings r wrong or there interpretations are off. Just be ther listen. Ppl have to b ready to told stuff so be patient n do rite by yurself but don't take it personally it just makes alot of hurt feelins.
Ok no point sayin more
Cya
Kay
Mighty wise words spoken by AgentK007, lots to learn from there. If you are a kid and you have a blog, please tell me how to find it. I'd like to hear more of what you have to say.
i duno how to take that…like u only want my blog IF im a kid….im not sure i feel comfrtable with that. Or IF yur a kid is like sayin im NOT…well evn tho i shuld expct that with all that happn these last cuple weeks i dont acept it. if ive done sumthin that deserves bein doubtd then fine..BUT ummm NOT ME…
SORY if im rantin but ive kinda got trust issues. Ive nevr told ppls my age OL. I dont cause i dont want to attrct the wrong ppls. Im just me.
Ummm wise IDK, but thnx.
do i gots a blog..yeah. its hidden under a rock out ther in blogland.. no SERIOUS thats what ive evn writtn on my blog. I dont got lots of stories to tell. I dont like drama. i no ur prolly not goina undrstand what im tryin to say. ther r a few bloggrs out ther that have known me fer a long time an can vouch fer me. Im certainly NOT JJ!!! actuly ferget that i dont want ppl vouchin fer me, its not necesary.
PEACE
Sorry, AgentK007, I didn't mean to alarm you. It's just that your writing style looks like a kid's writing, yet what you said in your last comment has some profound thoughts in it. I just thought I could benefit from more of what you have to say. Forget I asked.
Yeh sory too. Just the way u was sayin it kinda felt like u was questioning me. Anywys I understand now. My bad. So yeah Im not old but I've been through all this not super long ago…hope u understand now.
@ Billy… Thanks for saying that!! Sometimes I take things for granted, and turn to more 'pressing' situations… But, you're right!! Looking back, actually not long ago, I had one of those little miracles in my life, where, I felt like I made a difference. Actually, I still feel good about that, and, have made a friend for life ( at least, at this point…lol), and, I now consider the young guy one of my nephews… It makes it all worthwhile… I really should be more patient at times!! luv, tman<3
Kay… thanks for taking the time to visit here… or, should I say, welcome back, little chipmunk!! lol I hope I see more of you… You guys are a big factor behind my reason for blogging. When I lose you, i lose a piece of my heart. luv, tman<3
im still trying to catch up and figure out whats going on … i can tell you that i've fallen into this pit of compassion a few times with younger guys i met online who needed some help – I am not sure if i know yet whether it was a good idea or not … time will tell … regardless happy b-day – i love your blog
@ goleftathefork… I know what you mean… I decided to just try to do the best I can, w/o spreading myself so thin, but, I have always had a soft spot in my heart for a kid in distress.. I know what it's like to have noone to talk to when you're a kid, and the world seems against you… I have numerous kids in my 'real' life that rely on me, and, I never imagined that I would find myself caring so much for some of the kids I met out here, but, I do… I can't just shut off a part of who I am, and pretend that I'm someone different… I tried, but, it's not in my nature… It may be the death of me, but, I guess there are worse ways to die… lol… thanks for stopping by, and, taking the time to comment!! luv, tman<3