About the last thing on my list of ‘to dos’ today, was to post something on this blog… Problem is, I can’t carry this around the rest of today, and, not have it wreck the rest of my birthday celebration… Yeah, that’s today… It started off great, with one of my 6 godchildren driving in from out of state to share breakfast with me… it was a surprise, but, not really… We are very close, and, he has grown to be a fine young man, so, I knew he would do something to make sure that I wasn’t alone… I love him as much as I’ve ever loved anyone in this life.
      

       After the past few weeks, I needed a kindness like that, more than anyone in my ‘real’ life knew.

      So, it was a good start. I came home and checked the mail… A whole bunch of birthday cards!!  Great timing!! Some came in the past few days, and, that was cool, too, but, on the actual day… well, that’s amazing!!  lol
      Then, the answering machine… My little nephew singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me, with his 2 year old brother in the background, giggling and yelling… Special!!  Really cool… now, I’m crying… I don’t know what’s wrong, lately… too much stress, I guess… medical stuff, aging parents, bad memories… IDK… too much of everything… But, it’s all good… just keep going, Tony… The worst is behind you… move on. Get back to your normal self… the go-to guy that is called ‘analytical’ by the sister with all the answers… the one that doesn’t know what the word ‘decision’ means…  hmmm… lol…
      Oh hell, check online… maybe everything has cooled down, and the verdict is in on who can be trusted and who’s just a scumball…

                            BIG MISTAKE.

       What was I thinking?? That this whole mess would leave us in a better place??  All the apologies and comforting comments in the world, are apparently not enough… No, Tony….. You should have stayed away, like you had promised- at least on your birthday…

        Now, the real depression is on the doorstep… Apparently, ‘revision’ is the word of the day… Let me see… yeah… I really didn’t care about the kids that I said I did… hmmm… I’m probably just a fake, too…. yeah!! wow!! And, I thought he was smart!!  Oh… here’s a good one…. I’m sick because I care… Oh, back up… only if I really didn’t sleep much, like I said, in the past 2 weeks… OK… maybe sick is the wrong word… how about ‘nuts’??  Love those quaint southern descriptions… Reminds me of a roommate that I had in college from Kentucky… OOPS… Now, I’m rambling… thinking… I MUST be nuts!!

    
          So…….So…..So…… What do I do??   Why should I care??   Why did I cry so much??  Why did I
 try so hard to figure all this out, and miss days of work, and sleep, and meals… ( yeah, I really did!!  WTF…why bother explaining…)

               WHY DID I TELL EVERYONE MY SECRET???

        I should have stayed away… it was safer, saner… At least I felt that way for one day… I guess we are all painted with that proverbial brush now- no credibility, no morals, no compassion, no love….

                  CONUNDRUM<<<<<<<   def.   A question or problem having only a conjectural answer…

              HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME…

Advertisements